One of the greatest gifts we can offer our beloved children is permission to love the other parent and secondarily, permission to get along with the ex-spouse’s new significant other.
Children of divorce struggle constantly with issues of loyalty. They sense disapproval from Mom when they look forward to going to visit Dad and his new wife, even if Mom does not say anything. As hard as it is to be magnanimous in wishing kindness and good things for that ex, the winners are your children, who you both love. Can you do this for the children?
One of the favorite movies of my childhood is “Parent Trap” starring Haley Mills as twin girls who try to get their divorced parents back together. “Parent Trap” was made in 1961, 60 years ago, when divorce was not nearly as prevalent as it is today. Children of all ages dream of their parents getting back together. My friend’s parents divorced when she was 30. She never realized they had stayed together only for their children. When the youngest was launched, they finally felt they could divorce. My friend was embarrassed to admit she had dreams about her parents reuniting. She shed tears when she said, “It’s especially hard around the holidays. I have Thanksgiving with Mother and my sisters, but Daddy is missing. Then we girls go to Daddy’s apartment and spend time together, but Mom is absent. I hate this new reality.” If a 30-year-old struggles, imagine what it feels like to younger children. Their world is upside down.
We are now at the time of year when we stare the holidays in the face. I’m sure you have worked out a visit schedule with your ex-spouse as to which days your children spend with whom. This year, I challenge you to send your children off with your blessing. If you are a Christian, commit to praying for your ex with a glad heart. If that’s not your belief system, tell your children you are sending good thoughts and wishes for their father into the universe. Hug them and say, “Honey, I really want you to have a good time with your dad. I really mean that. I know how much you love him and he loves you.”
And keeping in mind how children fantasize about your getting back together, in a quiet moment, perhaps after bedtime stories, explain without any bitterness, that you and Daddy are so sorry that you are unable to be together as a family. Tell them this sometimes happens to adults. Sometimes circumstances are such that you just can’t be a family any longer. “We loved each other and got married. Sometimes that love changes and people just can’t stay together for reasons you don’t now understand. But what doesn’t change that we both love you and want the best for you.”
For the next two weeks, I urge you to pray for your ex-spouse and wish your children well as they leave for holiday-time with their father.
For the next two weeks, I urge you to pray for your ex-spouse and wish your children well as they leave for holiday-time with their father. Send them out the door with a blessing. You might even see if you can say, “Honey, I know you love Daddy and that is all right. You need Daddy and he needs you.”
All of this is hard when your head is in the tiger’s mouth, when you are in the midst of the turmoil. Years from now, however, you will feel good about all you did to ease the pain of your children’s loss. My divorce was 40 years ago and my ex-husband died 20 years ago. My children are all in their 40s. I’m grateful my children have memories unshackled from anger and bitterness.
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